My Adoption Views

Closed Adoptions

 

Orphans, Widows, & the Poor

This is what the LORD says: “For three sins of Israel, even for four, I will not relent. They sell the innocent for silver, and the needy for a pair of sandals. Amos 2:6 NIV

The majority of present day infant adoption is not adoption.  It is selling the children of the poor and creating laws to support it.

What’s Best for Kids

Jill at 2 years old.

Jill at 2 years old.

I don’t believe that children were ever meant to be separated from their God given parents permanently; I can’t find that in the Bible anywhere.  I see where especially Christians, are told to look after the orphans, widows, and poor, but nothing in the Bible suggests that you may own them or sell them. Few families lose a child without a grieving period that can sometimes last for decades or until they die themselves; it’s the same for families separated by adoption.

Adopted people want their closed records open, pure and simple.  It stops the lies.  It stops the story telling; it brings our lives out of mythical evolution and places us with our God given people.

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”  Jeremiah 1:5 NLT

To have politicians and even religious leaders decide whether we are worthy to know where God formed us is demoralizing.  To call us “curious” is insensitive.  We are not toddlers trying to peek in the kitchen cupboards.  We want what God gave us restored.

Prolife groups are among the worst when it comes to adoption truth.  To use Jeremiah 1:5 as a signature verse to state your case to stop abortion and then ignore the verse when it comes to keeping records closed and selling infants has little to do with the love of God, and for those of us who’ve endured adoption loss it becomes about profits and votes.  To remotely suggest that human beings can place children in better homes than God Almighty is ridiculous, hypocritical, and blasphemy.  Either God is sovereign and knows what he’s doing or not.

Medical information is important, but there is much more to who we are than mere medical information.  Where was I born; what time of the day?  What nationality am I?  Who do I look like? Does our family have a long or short life expectancy?  Is anyone important on our family tree?  When I look at my mother, I do not see myself.  I see her mother, her sister, and even her cousin.  I do not see me.  When I look at my father, I see the same things.  I do not see me.   My mother’s hair turned gray young, my hair was dark into my 50s and even now I don’t have a lot of gray hair; my daughter’s in her 40s and easily passes for much younger.  I stand taller than my parents, and I’m short.  Knowing that a man’s hairline tends to follow his mother’s side of the family, will my grandson enjoy hair in his old age or be bald.  My daughter is dyslexic, does it run in the family?  Where do my life threatening food allergies come from, if anywhere?  What type of facial cream should I buy, or does my family have “good” genes so I can buy it in the drugstore.  Are they generous people, I’ve noticed that generosity seems to run in families?  Are they fat or skinny?  Do I have siblings?  Do twins run in the family?  Does infertility run in the family?  Is education important?  What types of professions do they find valuable?  Are they hunters, artists, writers, or lawyers?  There are a gazillion more questions on the minds of most of us that go unanswered and are deemed unimportant by people who have this information about themselves.  It’s selfish to steal what God has given someone to make a buck.  Adoption completely, and in many cases permanently, alters someone’s life who has no say about it.  It’s wrong!

Closing our records is just plain stealing.

What needs to change?

1.  Free Adoptions.  As taxpayers we already pay for these services.  Agencies should not be allowed to sell children or advertise.  When we adopted from the foster care system, it cost us nothing.  If a child/infant is truly available for adoption in this country, it should be free.

2.  A Federal web site with photos and listings for ALL children available in the United States Foster Care System.  If these children are truly a priority, then we will treat them like one.  Currently, this information is not available anywhere.  It can be made available for people with approved home studies and case workers.  It wouldn’t have to cost much and the information about each child would be handled by their own agency within ninety days of a child becoming available.  Currently, most states have a site available, but agencies don’t have to use the site, they are voluntary and based upon charitable contributions.  Plus, families have to visit over fifty sites when one would take care of the entire country.  Foster children need to be our number 1 priority since there are over 100,000 available in this country.  Poor countries have one location for all the children available, we need to do the same.

3.  Counseling and classes for prospective adoptive parents.  Adoptive parents study adoption realities at length: reactive attachment disorder, adopted child syndrome, suicide, anger issues, grief and loss, learning disabilities, and prejudice against adoptees.  Classes are presented by professionals unrelated to the adoption industry.  Professionals may be college professors, social workers, and trained counselors who will tell it like it is and not be influenced by agency budgets.

4.  Open all adoption records once the adoptee turns 18.

5.  No more punitive father laws.  It’s legalized infant stealing.

6.  Federal oversight.  All 50 states have the same adoption laws that place the child first.  Adoption agencies and lawyers all have to have specialized training and licenses.  No private adoptions.

7.  All children/including infants, are placed first with family members.

8.  Legalize open adoptions.  Most adoptions begin open and when the adoptive parents begin to feel threatened they close them.  Birth families have no legal recourse.

9.  Ongoing adoption support for all three members: adoptee, adoptive parent, and God given parent.  Mandatory and not cut because of budget.

10. Infant’s are not placed with adoptive parents upon leaving the hospital.  Placement only occurs after both parents have signed the paperwork, six weeks after the birth so the effects of any drugs offered during delivery are gone, and after DNA testing is complete.  The child needs to be evaluated by a professional doctor to determine any medical conditions that exist, and not until this time should parents be considered.  There needs to be a reasonable waiting period to determine if the young people change their minds.  This insures the child has the chance to stay with family; it also insures the adoptive parents that the child is legally adoptable, and they don’t have to constantly look over their shoulder for a birth parent whose rights have been denied.

11. Adoptive parents receive state medical insurance and stipends on their adoptive children/infants until they graduate high school or college.  Since adoptive children experience higher rates of trauma and loss, and they have an incomplete medical history, they need additional care.  Mental health needs to be provided at reasonable clinics specializing in adoption.  Currently, few mental health professionals will accept Medicaid.  That’s not acceptable for these families.

12.  College scholarships and Federal grants available for adopted children across the board.  Currently, only children who have been in care over the age of 13 qualify.  Burdening families for college cut down on the families who can afford to adopt older children and sibling groups.

13.  International Adoption needs to be heavily regulated to insure that children are not abducted from their God given families and sold for adoption.  Fees need to be regulated and children visually monitored at least yearly to make sure they are still receiving quality care in their adoptive home and have not been rehomed or are in abusive situations.  Counseling services need be mandatory for this group through agencies providing the service.  It’s not unreasonable for Vladimir Putin to request a list of all the Russian adoptees and how they are doing until they reach age 18.  We owe that to the countries of origin.  We also owe the return of an adoptee that’s been determined by the sending country to have been an abduction.

14. Agency administrators and lawyers need to face criminal prosecutions for fraudulent adoptions and permanently lose their license.  Children need to be returned to their God given families.

Adoptive Parents

My 90 year old adoptive mother lives with me.  She suffers COPD, osteoporosis, osteoarthritis, spinal stenosis, gastro-esophageal reflux disease (GERD), and dementia.  Life is difficult with her because she is in pain all of the time and takes over 20 medications.  Someone from Hospice is at our house almost every day of the week.  She is still my mother.  I’m not confused; it’s amazing how an adult can maintain relationships with multiple people and not lose one when they find the other.  Birth families are not the enemy; they are our roots.

Encourage Adoption

I also want to encourage those looking into adoption to continue reading everything that you can.  Please consider older children; they’ll amaze you.  Adoption will change your life.  It’s really up to you if it’s for the better or the worse.  You need to be your own advocate going into adoption, and then you need to be your child’s advocate once you receive a placement.  You will never be a traditional family again; adoption ends that.

I’m grateful for the people I’ve met along life’s journey.  Some have been wonderful, and some just awful.  I assure you, with all my goofed up issues from childhood, that I’m not always the easiest to deal with either; I’ve also had tons of counseling that span decades.

Charlie and I Adopted

To date, Charlie and I have adopted five older children.  Adoption is different from giving birth; it’s like being pregnant without a due date.  I suffered from all sorts of depression before adoption, just like I did when I was pregnant.  I also had some after adoption depression, just like when I was pregnant.  Don’t be alarmed if it happens to you; it’s normal.  You have the opportunity to be far ahead of families with birth children, because you know that your children are not your own – they belong to God.  It’s also wonderful that they come without the expectations of their abilities.  I doubt if they will have my academic ability or my husband’s skills at sports.  We will have to wait and see, which is how it should be for genetic children but typically it is not.

Adoption is not second best, if you feel different don’t adopt; your children will know the difference.  You can’t hide that attitude; you might get it past a social worker, but your children won’t buy it. Remember, they already have a family; embrace them.  You’re children will have more respect for you if you show their first family respect.

You are not a hero because you have adopted children; any more than any other parent who raises a child.  You are a parent.

Our first two adoptions were international adoptions in Ukraine.  Our third adoption was foster care.  You can read about it on my My Ukrainian Angels Adoption 2000s Blog and my Adoption from Foster Care 2010s Blog.

 

Do not exploit the poor because they are poor and do not crush the needy in court, for the LORD will take up their case and will exact life for life.   Proverbs 22:22-23 NIV

 

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